Secondly, for some reason I wouldn't sleep in the room because I didn't want to wake Mike up, even though he was ready to be hands on. Once I got rid of this guilt, Mike got up first with her and changed her and got her ready for her feeding, and never once complained. I slept on the the couch for a whole week before I was finally able to put that on the shelf and deal with the guilt of him having to go to work tired. He was a trooper the whole time, and once she was only getting up a few times, I stopped having him get up throughout the night. What was wrong with me? I knew he would get up with happiness to help, but I didn't want to burden him?
Next, she wouldn't sleep on her back. I wasn't used to the sights and sounds of a baby and was so nervous that something was wrong with her. My mom could put her on her back and just would be all hands on deck because she has done it before. I was nervous, sweaty and a wreck about it. We put her in the swing all the time because she would wake up in two seconds on her back. At her 3 week appointment they thought this was due to acid reflux. We put her medication, but it kept getting worse. She started crying/complained from the time she woke up till Mike got home. This made me so mad because Mike would call me and I would be going crazy and literally as soon as I heard the garage open, she would be fine! So I totally looked like a crazy person. I remember calling one of my BF and crying on the phone-"What am I doing wrong??>?" I took out everything I loved to eat b/c I thought this was the issue, but there was no relief. When she was 4/5 weeks the throwing up began to get worse. I would have to use a whole burp rag in one feeding. I mean that thing would be completely soaking wet. She started throwing up while breast feeding, so I would have milk all over me and a puddle on the boppy. She would scream bloody murder during burpings and then throw up about 1/2 to 1 cup of milk and then feel better. The dr was no help because he still thought it was acid reflux and that since she was gaining weight that she was fine. Here I have to say that I thought something was horribly wrong, and I felt guilty that I was wrecking my little baby. Mike's sister and bro-in -law came when she was almost 2 months, and at the worse of it. I would scream for Mike to come help because I would have full puddles all over me after a feeding. That next week, it got so bad, I was crying at the thought that I was hurting her so much.
Then one feeding I didn't make enough milk, which was crazy b/c I was pumping about 10 oz each time. I had to give her one of those free formulas I got in the mail-it happened to be the lactose sensitive one. It was the first time in a month that she didn't barf. The next feeding was the same-I gave her all I had, then gave her a couple oz of formula. No throw up! Then my milk came back and I continued to feed her-throw up-throw up-throw up. The next day, I decided to do an experiment. Only formula all day-no throw up! I kept pumping, just in case. Kept doing it all weekend-no throw up! I mean she had spit up, but not the cup of milk that was becoming usual. We decided as a family that she was probably lactose intolerant through me! I did some research and it's very common-and hereditary. I am lactose intolerant, as well as my sisters and one of their children. My mom told me that I couldn't drink regular formula and I was on soy milk after breast feeding. She hadn't thought to tell me b/c I was a terrific breast feeder, but my mom isn't doesn't have a lot of cow's milk. I have it in everything! I researched and it said it takes 3 weeks to completely leave your system. I had already put my baby through so much, I didn't want to take out cow's milk from my diet and then it not be that. The first day I tried the formula, she fell asleep on her back playing. She continued to sleep on her back the rest of the week, and she started sleeping through the night with one or two wakes for food.
The day I decided to stop breast feeding-I was a mess! I was crying and felt so guilty. Mike was so supportive and just said-whatever is best for both of us. But, you're supposed to breast feed! That is the best for the baby and I was unable to give this to my child. I was also guilty b/c I had put her in pain for so long knowing that something was wrong. The point I changed dr's was that next Tuesday for her 2 month check up and I told the dr this and he said"huh? That's different! You're a little scientist aren't you?" In turn, Mike said, "She likes to read!" Yeah-this dr, who is in his 60's had never heard of this and made me feel like a paranoid first mommy. If he in fact read up on studies, he would've known that this is very common and if you don't give your allergic babies cow's milk for the first year, their allergy usually goes away, but if you keep giving it to them they will forever be allergic. I hate dr's sometimes. Granted she still spits up more than any baby I know, and I think she still has a bit of acid reflux, but it's just spit up-not throw up and anyone that has a baby knows the difference between these two.
I have mommy guilt about just about everything. Letting her sleep in her room for the first time all night was a messy situation for me. I went in there about 4-5 times to make sure she was still breathing. I'm not going to lie, I still do that, but only when I am already up using the restroom-and only once. I have embraced this guilt and now know that it will never go away, and in fact, in will grow because of the problems will be much bigger than paci or not. Thank God I have other peoples blogs and my mommy friends that tell me their guilt feelings to make me feel normal and grounded again. That is why I also started this blog b/c there are strange women out there that when I googled searched something-their blog about their story got me through my crisis of conscious. So feel free to have mommy guilt and know that there is always someone out there feeling the same thing you are right now. We are not alone-and it's not like it used to be-when moms didn't share these secrets among each other. We're each others sounding board for this very reason. CHEERS TO MOMMYHOOD!
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