My Own Life

   Growing up with a wonder woman for a mom, I think back at how she did it all.  I had cheerleading after school every day, and then went straight to dance for hours every night and Saturdays.  Ande had cheerleading and gymnastics, and Mark had karate.  Now, she worked and had supper on the table at the end of the evening.  What?  How did she do this?  Granted I remember fondly "breakfast for dinner" and grill cheese often, but to a kid those are the best meals ever!
    Now a days people sign their kids up for every social/sport they can and still work and have food on the table.  I watch my neighbor Janna, with three girls, pull out of the driveway about 2-3 times a night for this and that.  First, what happened to car pool? Second, her house makes me feel like my house is a dump at all times.  However, I applaud both Janna and her husband b/c their social calendar is also totally full with their best friends and wine/beer.  I like this idea.  I feel like we robbed my mom of some of the social activity because my dad was away a lot, so we only had her to depend on.
     I'm super fortunate to still have friends that want to hang out with me, even if I show up with throw up down my shirt, that I didn't know was there.  I think I look awesome b/c I actually put makeup on, but nope, can't get away from peas and carrots.  I had this thought while pregnant that my friends would dump me b/c of this little one.  I know what you're going to say, "They aren't true friends," and you would be right if they had done this.  However, they still like hanging out with me-go figure?
    Mike and I want a little brood, and I know my life will change more than it has now, but I want my own life still! I still have to talk to grown ups you know.  I see moms that have no lives of their own and that is not want I want out of my life.  I can just imagine....in 24 years(holy crap that's a long time) when all the babies have left this house and Mike and I looking at each other saying, "NOW WHAT?"  I don't want that.  I want to have my cry-b/c I know I will, and move on with how I've lived my life from baby one-to grown up, out-of-the-house faze.  I don't want to miss a beat.  I do know that I will miss beats now and then, but how do we keep this balance without going insane and feeling stressed?  Don't forget that I'm going back to work when the kids are in school, so we have that piece of the puzzle too.
    I don't want to live just for my kids, hubby, or job-I want to have a wonderful life for me! How do others do this?  Any suggestions?

My first night out for a friends b-day.  Karaoke here we come.

You Don't Do it Right!

   I was at my mommy friends house and she was talking about something that I am totally guilty of too.  Hovering when your hubby is "babysitting" to make sure he's doing it right-aka...your way.  My best friend Laura always reminds me to step back and let him take care of Elena, and sometimes it's so hard I want to scream.  I have to remember that even if she has carrots all over her face, clothes, highchair, or hands that it doesn't matter-she's still getting fed.  I was at my sister's house over x-mas, and Mike was feeding her, and I made him stop b/c she was sooooo messy.  My sister, Ande, said-so what-but I just took over.  My older mommy friend says this is where we trap ourselves because our hubbies will catch on that we will take over, and they will mess up, just so they don't have to do it.  This hasn't happened to me yet, but I can see how, after years of this hovering, that it would come to this.
   Every mommy I know describes it as babysitting when the man stays with the kids, and this is bad, but I feel this way anyway.  Mike will kindly say, "I'll watch the baby if you want to go to a movie with your friends."  While this is super sweet, it just sounds funny.  Of course you will watch the baby, you're the other parent.  I feel bad for the dudes here because they try so hard, but only rarely do it exactly how we want it.  Mike was singing to her in her crib when she woke up one night, and I was like-get out of there! Put the paci in and run for it.  Then I stopped myself because-who cares if he's actually keeping her awake with his singing, this is a moment that I should keep in my mind forever.
   When I look at it, it's really everything the dudes do.  I can't tell you how many times I've gone looking for something and have no idea where it is, and then remember that Mike unloaded the dishwasher, so it could be anywhere.  However, I never complain about this because-he unloaded the dishwasher for me-to save me time-like a kind husband.  Mike and I were watching the new tv show Traffic Light and it's very guyie.  The man said something and the woman took it as he said it, which is not how he meant it, and that was the premise of the show.  Mike said, "Why do women do that?"  Meaning take it and blow it up and make it worse etc.  I ask you all now-why do we do it?  I totally do this, and all my friends do too.  I feel for these men that have to be perfect all the time in chores, daddyhood, work, paying the bills, loving us, and just being good guys.  I know, for myself, I am not perfect in any way.  At least twice a day, I do something totally stupid and rethink what I'm doing.  The difference is, Mike rarely calls me out on this stupid. He just laughs it off, and thinks of it as a lesson, and I know I would be berating him for it.
   So being a perfect daddy-or just doing exactly "my" way will have to not exist because coming from someone that didn't have their father in her life-Mike is here and happy and loves every minute with this munchkin.  If he isn't harming her or killing her-who cares if she's dirty, or tired, or falls asleep on him for the whole nap-so she starts liking that way too much.  Who cares! I have a present and loving husband and father and the memories he's making by feeding her until she looks like a sweet potato, or letting her fall asleep on his chest, or not putting matching clothes on her, is what matters.  Memories here people-memories!  I need to get over myself and let it happen.

Mother's guilt

   At my mommy and me days, there are many discussions about mommy guilt and how it's misplaced.  I mean, even though each day is different the guilt of some things is hard to think about because I think it will continue to get worse while she grows.  My first mommy guilt was her second night home and she was not a happy camper. I don't think my milk had come in yet, and she was hungry. "They" told me not to give her a bottle or a paci for a month because of nipple confusion.  Poor thing was hungry though-so at about 2 am, my mom just said-do what you think is best-so I gave her an oz of formula and then gave her paci-and ever since she is a paci baby.  I felt bad giving her this paci b/c I didn't want to mess her up, so for days I wouldn't give it to her when she was crying, until I finally caved in and gave it to her.  My mom thinks it's funny b/c I was so adamant about this, and she has it in her mouth in all the pictures.  By the way, she never once had nipple confusion! 

   Secondly,  for some reason I wouldn't sleep in the room because I didn't want to wake Mike up, even though he was ready to be hands on.  Once I got rid of this guilt, Mike got up first with her and changed her and got her ready for her feeding, and never once complained.  I slept on the the couch for a whole week before I was finally able to put that on the shelf and deal with the guilt of him having to go to work tired.  He was a trooper the whole time, and once she was only getting up a few times, I stopped having him get up throughout the night.  What was wrong with me?  I knew he would get up with happiness to help, but I didn't want to burden him?
   Next, she wouldn't sleep on her back.  I wasn't used to the sights and sounds of a baby and was so nervous that something was wrong with her.  My mom could put her on her back and just would be all hands on deck because she has done it before.  I was nervous, sweaty and a wreck about it.  We put her in the swing all the time because she would wake up in two seconds on her back.  At her 3 week appointment they thought this was due to acid reflux.  We put her medication, but it kept getting worse.  She started crying/complained from the time she woke up till Mike got home.  This made me so mad because Mike would call me and I would be going crazy and literally as soon as I heard the garage open, she would be fine! So I totally looked like a crazy person.  I remember calling one of my BF and crying on the phone-"What am I doing wrong??>?"  I took out everything I loved to eat b/c I thought this was the issue, but there was no relief.  When she was 4/5 weeks the throwing up began to get worse.  I would have to use a whole burp rag in one feeding.  I mean that thing would be completely soaking wet. She started throwing up while breast feeding, so I would have milk all over me and a puddle on the boppy.  She would scream bloody murder during burpings and then throw up about 1/2 to 1 cup of milk and then feel better.  The dr was no help because he still thought it was acid reflux and that since she was gaining weight that she was fine.  Here I have to say that I thought something was horribly wrong, and I felt guilty that I was wrecking my little baby.  Mike's sister and bro-in -law came when she was almost 2 months, and at the worse of it.  I would scream for Mike to come help because I would have full puddles all over me after a feeding.  That next week, it got so bad, I was crying at the thought that I was hurting her so much.  
   Then one feeding I didn't make enough milk, which was crazy b/c I was pumping about 10 oz each time.  I had to give her one of those free formulas I got  in the mail-it happened to be the lactose sensitive one.  It was the first time in a month that she didn't barf.  The next feeding was the same-I gave her all I had, then gave her a couple oz of formula.  No throw up! Then my milk came back and I continued to feed her-throw up-throw up-throw up.  The next day, I decided to do an experiment.  Only formula all day-no throw up! I kept pumping, just in case.  Kept doing it all weekend-no throw up! I mean she had spit up, but not the cup of milk that was becoming usual.  We decided as a family that she was probably lactose intolerant through me! I did some research and it's very common-and hereditary.  I am lactose intolerant, as well as my sisters and one of their children.  My mom told me that I couldn't drink regular formula and I was on soy milk after breast feeding.  She hadn't thought to tell me b/c I was a terrific breast feeder, but my mom isn't doesn't have a lot of cow's milk.  I have it in everything!   I researched and it said it takes 3 weeks to completely leave your system.  I had already put my baby through so much, I didn't want to take out cow's milk from my diet and then it not be that.  The first day I tried the formula, she fell asleep on her back playing.  She continued to sleep on her back the rest of the week, and she started sleeping through the night with one or two wakes for food.
   The day I decided to stop breast feeding-I was a mess! I was crying and felt so guilty.  Mike was so supportive and just said-whatever is best for both of us.  But, you're supposed to breast feed! That is the best for the baby and I was unable to give this to my child.  I was also guilty b/c I had put her in pain for so long knowing that something was wrong.  The point I changed dr's was that next Tuesday for her 2 month check up and I told the dr this and he said"huh?  That's different! You're a little scientist aren't you?" In turn, Mike said, "She likes to read!"  Yeah-this dr, who is in his 60's had never heard of this and made me feel like a paranoid first mommy.  If he in fact read up on studies, he would've known that this is very common and if you don't give your allergic babies cow's milk for the first year, their allergy usually goes away, but if you keep giving it to them they will forever be allergic.  I hate dr's sometimes.  Granted she still spits up more than any baby I know, and I think she still has a bit of acid reflux, but it's just spit up-not throw up and anyone that has a baby knows the difference between these two.
    I have mommy guilt about just about everything.  Letting her sleep in her room for the first time all night was a messy situation for me.  I went in there about 4-5 times to make sure she was still breathing.  I'm not going to lie, I still do that, but only when I am already up using the restroom-and only once.  I have embraced this guilt and now know  that it will never go away, and in fact, in will grow because of the problems will be much bigger than paci or not.  Thank God I have other peoples blogs and my mommy friends that tell me their guilt feelings to make me feel normal and grounded again.  That is why I also started this blog b/c there are strange women out there that when I googled searched something-their blog about their story got me through my crisis of conscious.  So feel free to have mommy guilt and know that there is always someone out there feeling the same thing you are right now.  We are not alone-and it's not like it used to be-when moms didn't share these secrets among each other.  We're each others sounding board for this very reason.  CHEERS TO MOMMYHOOD!

Elena's Birth

   At 3 am on August 14, 2010, I felt my first contraction, and at 3:25 my water broke.  My mom had driven up from Colorado a couple days earlier to be here for the birth.  We had a blast together getting ready for the baby.  We went on long walks, that did nothing, in my opinion.

One of our walks on the Rimrocks.  That is the hospital on the left that I gave birth in-I'm huge!

    We got to the hospital at around 4 in the morning, and the process began.  I had been 4 centimeters all week, so by the time I was in labor I was 5/6 centimeters and in full and active labor.  It happened fast and furious and I just wanted to get those drugs.  It annoyed me that they ask a billion stupid questions-like -Is your address ....?  Yes! I preregistered so I could get the drugs right away!!!!  So they didn't give me meds for 4 hours and it was an experience that I could never explain.  Since I am a gimpy person and have had over a dozen surgeries, I am very good at internalizing pain, and that is what I did.  It's an inside joke between Mike and I now because I was hilarious during labor.  The nurse kept saying to relax my bottom etc, so when I was in a contraction I would close my eyes and whisper aloud, "Relax, relax, relax!"  Or the nurse would be telling me something during a contraction and I would go, "okay, okay, okay!"  I guess my mom and Mike were laughing because I did it over and over again on each contraction.  Then the nurse told me to stand up and sway and bend over the bed.  I don't even want to know what that image was like.  My pregnant butt exposed, and swaying saying, "relax, relax, relax!"  It got me through though and the drugs finally came at 7:30 am.  I don't know how people do it without drugs because after the meds I had the most relaxing and fun labor I could even imagine.  I took naps, watched HGTV, and hung out with friends.

At 1 pm, I was ready to start! I got really emotional because it didn't seem real that in a little bit I would be a mom for the rest of my life!  The nurse said that it usually takes about an hour or more for the first baby, so I was pumped!  I got my team together and did a cheer and we were off.  Thankfully my bestie Laura took all the pictures, so my mom and Mike could participate in the pushing.  I geared up for hours of pushing, so she told me to practice one round.  I pushed once and she told me to stop pushing, that the baby was coming right now! She rushed to get the doc, who also didn't think I was really ready until he made me do another practice push.  I started really pushing at 1:15 and she was out at 1:36-5 rounds of pushes and she was here.  I love the pictures because you can see the short time lapse between no baby and baby.  The doctor let Mike deliver her, which was amazing! We didn't know the gender beforehand, so that was another surprise.

She was perfect! She latched right on and didn't have any problem with breast feeding.  Now on the name.  We knew the middle name for certain because it was for Mike's amazing aunt Jean.  We had 3 contenders-Elena, Lyla and Camille.  I was alone in the room with her in the incubator and I called her by all three and the only one that made sense was Elena.  We were always set on the traditional spelling of her name, even though it's pronounced A-lay-na.  I was concerned about this for a bit, but Mike wouldn't have it any other way-so Elena Jean Beaulieu 6 lbs 6 oz, and 19 and a quarter long was born into this world and I am a mommy forever! It was an amazing experience and wouldn't have done it any other way.

First Post Ever!

I have no idea if anyone will read this, and I am not sure what I am doing! How do I put pictures on here,  and all the other cool stuff.  I am good at computers, but it takes a bit for me to get the hang of something.  I am going to go to friends blog and see what they did etc.  We will see if I stick to this because I am kinda a quitter with things like this.